Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the best around's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, June 7th, 2008
12:53 pm	Time for my yearly post Well, I guess I may as well justify having a Livejournal account by writing something in here every now and then. It has been ten hundred degrees the past few days, which makes me lament being such a tremendously sweaty man. My car's air conditioner is also non-functional, which also ranks highly on my list of things wich are lamentable. One thing I will never understand are people who claim to like hot weather better than cold weather. Existing in a permanent state of swamp-nuts to me is a far greater inconvenience than having to put on a coat. On an unrelated note, I have been having some very bizarre dreams lately, which I suppose I can use to fill up several days' worth of LJ posts, perhaps even equalling my output from the last two years within a week's time. We'll see how long my newfound resolve lasts. In the first dream I shall relate to you, my long-neglected but not entirely forgotten (though perhaps now completely nonexistant) readership, I dreamt that I had decided to completely shun society and live as an ape-man. I went out into the wooded areas of the suburbs of Richmond and hung around in trees, eating whatever I could find. Surprisingly, I soon found that I was able to swing from branch to branch with the greatest of ease, and was soon traversing large distances in this manner. My parents, of course, were concerned for me, especially after I showed up in their back yard in my filthy, tattered clothing, eating leaves and rotten fruit from the garbage. They tried to convince me of the error of my ways, but alas I would not listen to reason. I was also much too fast in the trees for anyone to catch me. In a last-ditch effort, my folks hire a celebrity to try to talk me into returning to society. This celebrity turns out to be Jamie Foxx. I think the guy's pretty good actor, but I have no idea why he would suddenly show up in my dreams. Perhaps it's best not to wonder. At any rate, Jamie Foxx unexpectedly turns out to possess the same superhuman branch-swinging skills as I do. He easily catches up with me, despite my desperate evasive maneuvers and poop-flinging, and we engage in a very engrossing intellectual discussion at the top of a huge tree. Jamie Foxx, as it turns out, is a really smart guy, and we talk for what seems like hours about whether American society is worth going back to, utilizing numerous historical and literary references. Eventually, my parents' plan backfires, as my evidently superior powers of reason convince Jamie Foxx to join me as an ape-man. We then proceed to swing through the trees all around the greater Richmond area, stealing food and flinging poo to our hearts' content. Be sure to join me next time, when I will describe my eccentric English gentleman dream. Hopefully, that post will be forthcoming in considerably less time than has elapsed between my previous entries. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 26th, 2007
1:50 am	A new convenience store, "Trolly Market," was just built half a block away from my house. It's quite a nice place, complete with walk-in beer cooler, and its close proximity will save me from walking 4 blocks to Lombardy Market.... Of course, every silver lining's got a touch of grey. Did I just quote some Grateful Dead lyrics? I apologize... Anyway, the point is that although this store is conveniently located and has a wide selection of both beer and snack foods, there's one problem: the clerk who's always working there. He's one of those nickname guys. You know the type. I showed him my ID the first time I bought some beer there. So, of course, he saw my name. As I was walking out, he says, "Thanks a lot, Andy. Come again." Andy?? I had been somewhat prepared for this, since my roommate Daniel had previously complained of being called "Dan" by this douche. He's not a "Dan," and I am goddamn sure not an "Andy." Despite my warning, I was still taken aback. I've worked as a cashier before. I saw peoples' names on credit cards all the time. But it never even occurred to me to call the customers by some shortened version of their names. Even though I hated the customers with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, I never allowed myself to stoop to that level of douchebaggery. It's really a bizarre situation. I hate being called "Andy," but I also don't really want to make a big deal out of it. I mean, the only time I ever see the guy is when I go to buy beer. So I guess it really isn't worth it to set him straight. That would only make the whole thing even more awkward, and probably result in me continuing to walk 4 blocks to Lombardy Market, where the clerk just says "What's up, man," and then goes back to watching college basketball or whatever the hell is on the TV. That's how the clerk-customer relationship is SUPPOSED to be. Cold and impersonal. The guy behind the counter is not some good buddy of mine. He's just a guy with whom I'm trying to execute an economic transaction. So, in conclusion, I propose a toast to capitalism and to store clerks who don't try too hard..... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
2:36 am	A goal for my life I've been thinking lately about when I'm going to die. Not in any kind of morbid way; just out of simple curiosity. I mean, it's going to happen eventually, so I may as well spend some time contemplating it. Naturally, I don't want to die too young. There's a lot of shit I've been meaning to do. I'll probably never actually do most of that stuff anyway, but I'd like to think I have many decades of putting it off left. There's also a part of me that doesn't want to live too long, especially if the last years involve being in a nursing home, sitting around watching Matlock and drinking Metamucil and not remembering your own name. The oldest confirmed age ever was Jeanne Calment of France, who died in 1997 at the age of 122. She actually met Vincent Van Gogh when she was a young girl. Imagine that. Some bitch who chilled with Van Gogh was still alive when I was starting high school. She was over 100 for almost as long as I've been alive. That's just too much... But there's one thing that makes me actually want to make it that far: Yes, Rush. Geddy, Neil, and....ah.....that other guy who played guitar. I hereby resolve that I must live to see the year 2112. Just to see if it's anything like the album. It probably won't be. This, of course, would involve me breaking the record and living to at least 128, but I think it's doable. My plan is to drink lots of beer and, of course, listen to lots of Rush. Jeanne Calment, it should be noted, was a smoker until the age of 117. And even then, she only quit because she was blind and felt too embarrassed about always asking someone for a light. This makes my plan look all the better, since I can't imagine ever being blind enough to be discouraged from pounding a couple PBRs and listening to "By-Tor and the Snow Dog." So, there may not be any actual Temples of Syrinx in the year 2112, but you can bet your ass that whatever is going on at that time, a drunken, incredibly wrinkly version of myself will be there to witness it. And to continue rocking. Canadian prog style. Current Music: Rush - Limelight (Comment on this)
Friday, September 15th, 2006
8:19 pm	So after having my internet cut off for a while again, I'm back on the information superhighway... What's been going on in my life, you ask? First of all, I have a new job as a pharmacy technician. Actually, I guess I can't call myself a technician until I get certified. But, at any rate, it's a hell of a lot better than baking. It's kind of weird not to be touching dough on a daily basis anymore... My landlord has decided to be a douche and enforce the no pets clause of the lease. So Butterball is going to have to stay at my parents' house now. Damn the man. I really want to produce a public access TV show. Apparently it's free. You just have to get on the waiting list for a timeslot. No one will, watch it, of course, but I'll get a certain satisfaction out of it. You know, it's funny that they call it "public access," since the public really does not access it very often at all.... The 19th is Talk Like a Pirate Day, our greatest national holiday. My neighbors across the street, whom I have never met, are having a pirate-themed party tomorrow. There are fliers for it all over the place. Yarrrrr....... (Comment on this)
Friday, August 18th, 2006
8:04 pm	So, after more than two weeks, I finally got the internet hooked up at my new place. Am I going to read all the posts you chumps made during that time? Probably not. I know you're disappointed, but you all really need to learn to live your lives without constant validation from me. In other news, not living with Nate anymore is the greatest. Of course, there's still the issue of the money he owes me (close to $400). He also has a bunch of my stuff (including the remote for my TV and several crucial DVDs), but is denying it. I may have to hire someone to go rough him up a little bit. Or maybe I'll just do it myself. I'm sure it would be the most fun I've had in quite some time. In honor of my return from internet exile, here's a celebrity brawl for you to think about: Tom Cruise vs. Saddam Hussein Current Music: Living Colour - Cult of Personality (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 30th, 2006
4:41 am	You know, I'd have to say that my favorite lines from the classic Bon Jovi track "Dead or Alive" would have to be the ones that go something like this: I've been everywhere, I'm still standing tall I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all It's just so ridiculous, it's good. Popular music today has absolutely nothing to compare to this level of musical genius. Indeed, these lines are nothing short of the lyrical equivalent of Harrison Ford's timeless "I'm sorry, Mr. President. I don't dance." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 28th, 2006
1:27 am	Reason for excitement: Dave Chappelle is doing a show at the Landmark Theater on August 12! Reason for disappointment: Tickets are going for $55 Anyway, another reason for excitement and joy is that I'm finally moving into my kick-ass new crib on Monday. No more living with a long-haired, filthy, smelly, video-game-addicted douche who can't hold down a job for more than two months and is never able to pay rent even when he does have a job! Huzzah! Also, no more ridiculously tiny "living room" that's actually just the kitchen with some carpeting thrown in. This time I'll be in an actual house! On a totally unrelated note, if you're really bored, check out this website: http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/ That's right, the Church Sign Generator. The possibilities are endless.... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 21st, 2006
3:05 am	the Provacateur (66% dark, 34% spontaneous, 63% vulgar) your humor style: VULGAR | COMPLEX | DARK You'll crack on anything, and you're often witty, even caustic, about it. Therefore, your sense of humor is polarizing. You're transgressive, and you've got a seriously sharp 'edge'--maybe too much for some folks. If they get you, people think you're one of the funniest (and smartest) people in the world. If they don't, they think you're an ass. Whatever, right? While some might question your judgement, your comic intellect is unquestionably respected. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Chris Rock - Lenny Bruce - George Carlin The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my best friend's best test: The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 87% on darkness You scored higher than 18% on spontaneity You scored higher than 90% on vulgarity Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test So that's my sense of humor, according to some stupid internet quiz. Actually, it seems to be surprisingly accurate. I especially like the comparison to Lenny Bruce and George Carlin. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. On an unrelated note, I finally got around to buying the first season of Pete and Pete yesterday. I feel bad for kids today--they just don't have quality programming like that anymore. While at the store buying that, I noticed that Soul Asylum has just come out with a new album. This is shocking to say the least, since I thought the members of Soul Asylum were all dead, or at the very least working at a bagel shop somewhere with the former members of Soul Coughing and Nada Surf. Current Music: Oleander - Why I'm Here (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
11:17 pm	More stupid pictures First, a funny story. I was driving down Lombardy on the way to Kroger with two friends of mine to get some meat and beer, when we noticed an old man (had to have been in his 70s at least) walking down the sidewalk wearing a suit jacket, hat, tennis shoes, and no pants. Other people might have been put off by this, but we decided to pull over and wait for him to walk past us. As he approached, it turned out he was actually wearing some extremely tiny black shorts, so it's not like there was an old man penis flopping around everywhere. If there had been, of course, it would have made the story all that much funnier. But I digress.... The guy walks out into the street next to our car, says "The deacon went down to the cellar to pray, but saw Betty Davis and decided to stay." He then somehow produced a bouquet of flowers (he hadn't appeared to be carrying anything with him) and threw it at us, then danced a ludicrous little jig in the middle of the street, and then disappeared into the night. What this town needs is more characters like that.... Anyway, that's about all I have that's worth writing about right now. Here are some pictures for you chumps to look at. You know you're in trouble when you find yourself on the Atari gang's turf. ( Read more... ) (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
10:14 pm	A few things of note: -At the end of the month, I'll be moving into a sweet-ass house on Vine Street, with two new roommates who are not worthless wastes of space, like my current roommate. -I've lost 14 pounds over the last month and am once again able to wear large t-shirts. Cutting out fast food and soda, along with a little running, is all it took. -I'm still trying to get a better job. What I really need to do is win the lottery. -Carling Canada Black Label is my favorite beer of the moment. It tastes like PBR, but the main reason I like it is that it's called "Carling Canada" but it also says "Product of USA" on the can. -Today's celebrity fistfight: Erik Estrada vs. Scott Baio (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
8:22 pm	Your mom! I realized yesterday why it's so important to have a digital camera in today's world: So that when I see a guy riding a 19th century bicycle down the street, I can capture it for posterity. On an unrelated note, EastCoast convenience stores have the greatest slogan ever. Current Music: Flogging Molly - The Kilburn High Road (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
5:32 pm	Photographic splendor This is the third time I've tried to post this entry. Apparently I was in "rich text" mode, whatever the fuck that is, and that made the lj-cut and image tags not work. God, I fucking hate computers. If this one doesn't come out right, I'm just leaving it. Anyway, I've concluded that I need more motivation, which is the difference between people like me, and successful people who don't work in bakeries. Of course, simply saying that I need to be more motivated, and actually being a motivated, ambitious person, are two different things. So, you fuckers should look at these stupid pictures and comment with some motivational shit. ( short hair and stuff ) Current Music: Elton John - Daniel (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
10:47 pm	Rectum?? Damn near killed 'em!! A short list of laws I will enact once I become Dictator of the World, in no particular order 1. German people will wear lederhosen. At all times. Even when at a David Hasselhoff concert. 2. Speaking of David Hasseloff, he will have a boxing match with Steve Perry at Madison Square Garden, which will be shown on all TV channels. Thus, the most divisive issue I have ever raised in this livejournal will be settled once and for all. 3. Groups of shirtless sports fans will no longer be able to spell out messages by painting one letter on each guy's chest.  4. Every other Tuesday shall be Talk Like a Pirate Day. 5. I shall sit on a throne constructed out of the skulls of my vanquished enemies, and Geraldo Rivera shall be my court jester 6. Basic cable will include a channel devoted entirely to reruns of family sitcoms from the 1980s and early 90s. 7. Orange Mint Tic-Tacs will no longer be referred to as "mints." Because they aren't mints, goddamnit. They're just orange candy. It's time for this ridiculous charade to end. 8. Every person in the world will have to use all of the following words in conversation at least once a day: rectum, oligarchy, iconoclastic, sphygmomanometer, escapade, swashbuckling, and glandular. Anyone who can use all of the words in the same coherent sentence will receive a coupon good for one free "Moon Over My Hammy" at Denny's. 9. A person with a "spoiler" on their car exceeding one foot in height can be pulled over by the police at any time and forced to write a 1,000 word essay on the aerodynamic purpose a spoiler serves. If the officer deems the essay to be unsatisfactory, the punishment shall be the death penalty. 10. Cheeses of all kinds will be distributed for free at every major street corner. 11. When two old men wearing "World's Greatest Grandpa" shirts or hats happen to cross paths, they will have to fight to the death. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
9:23 pm	A rare day indeed I have decided to update my Livejournal. I know this has been greatly anticipated, but please try to contain your enthusaism... So what's new in the world of me? I got a wreckless driving ticket all the way down in James City County while driving back from the Arch Enemy/Chimaira show in Norfolk (and what the fuck kind of name for a county is James City, anyway? Is it a fucking county or a city? Make up your mind!)....I finally got a new job--moving from the exciting world of baking to the exciting world of.......baking. Yes, I work at a different bakery now. I'm a sad excuse for a man. I joined myspace. I am a tool. Also, I just bought one of those newfangled digital cameras. I've found that once you buy one of those, you just start taking pictures of all kind of stupid shit. For your viewing pleasure, I'm going to post some of those stupid pictures now.... ( Gaze upon them! ) (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
2:13 pm	Well, I guess it's about time for my monthly update...I don't really have a specific topic in mind, so here are some thoughts: I heard "Back on the Chain Gang" by the Pretenders on 98.9 Liberty when I got to work at 3:00 this morning. It's still stuck in my head. This ill fortune is compounded by the fact that I don't really know any lyrics to that song except for the "Ohh oh oh ohhh oh oh" part. There's a 16 year old kid I work with who has never even heard of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. This boggles my mind. I tried to explain it to him, mentioning that George Carlin is in it, only to find out that he has no idea who George Carlin is, either. He doesn't know him in any other context than as the conductor on Shining Time Station. The Vice President shot a man. In the face. It happened a while ago, but this is my first update since then and it bears mentioning. IN THE FACE. I heard on NPR that bakers in some Muslim countries, in the proud tradition of "Freedom Fries" and "Liberty Cabbage," are starting to call Danishes "Flowers of the Prophet Mohammed Pastries" because of this whole flap about the stupid cartoons. Maybe those carpet-riders do have a sense of humor after all. Oh wait...no, they don't. Does anybody remember the episode of South Park that was a parody of Great Expectations? I don't think they ever reran it after it first aired. I was beginning to think I had imagined the whole thing, but I bought the 4th season DVD the other day and it was on there. This makes me happy. Today's celebrity faceoff asks the question: Who's More Unfunny? Jimmy Fallon or Kathy Griffin (18 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 2nd, 2006
4:27 pm	2006 So, a new year! Such an odd time of year...we celebrate an arbitrary calendar date with drunkeness and loud explosions. Then, we think up all the stuff that's wrong with us and promise to fix all those problems before the planet makes another full revolution around the sun. Well, if I'm going to live in this bizarre society, I guess I may as well join in. Here are some New Years resolutions: I will get a better job, leaving the dead end of bagel-baking behind me forever. I will drink more ginger ale and grape soda. I will eventually pay the $146 speeding ticket I got last month. I will attempt to use more extended metaphors in everyday speech. I will actually start the underground social satire publication and companion public-access TV show that I've been talking about for months I will finally throw away the cardboard boxes that have been sitting in my room since I moved into this shithole in August. I will continue to resist suggestions that I change my MC Hammer LJ icon. I was going to say that I should lose some weight, but I weighed myself today and I'm down to 200. So I've somehow lost 10 pounds over the last month or so, despite a continued regimen of no exercise and unhealthy diet. Of course, I still can't fit into my large t-shirts and size 34 pants... Well, I think that's a good enough list. The first one is actually the one I'm most concerned about. I've wasted three years in a shitty, dead-end job, and I think that's enough. Time to actually "do something with my life." The first celebrity fistfight of the new year will be in the Former Presidents category: Millard Fillmore vs. Rutherford B. Hayes Current Music: Lamb of God - Blood of the Scribe (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
12:49 pm	A sad day indeed RIP Pat Morita, 1932-2005 For the rest of my life, I'll get a little tear in my eye whenever I see someone catch a fly with chopsticks. This has been a rough year in terms of cool celebrities dying. At least Tom Bosley is still with us, though.... And now, a somber installment of "Celebrity Brawls" featuring two more recently departed folks: Mitch Hedberg vs. Hunter S. Thompson (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 14th, 2005
3:46 am	I never update anymore. But I've been meaning to. Seriously! I know your friends pages just haven't been the same without me. There are a lot of things I've been meaning to write an entry about, but at this time, I'm just going to post that stupid comment thing.... Top Commenters on trainingmontage's LiveJournal (Self and anonymous comments excluded from rankings) 1 palexbluexangel 84 2 garbagewomyn 67 3 post_itnote 52 4 dizzylizzylove 46 5 perfectkaos 42 6 drdrivel 35 7 jellocake 32 8 banshee99 30 9 remusaurus 17 10 kooldrmoney 12 ( 11-34 ) Total Commenters: 36 (2 not shown) Total Comments: 638 Report generated 11/14/2005 3:45:58 AM by scrapdog's LJ Comment Stats Wizard 1.6 Current Music: Flogging Molly - Black Friday Rule (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 14th, 2005
1:55 pm	Time for some audience participation, you fucks: 1. Comment and I'll pick two of your LJ interests and draw you a picture, using MS Paint. (If you're on a Mac or use Linux or something counter-culture like that, you can use whatever crappy graphics program you'd like.) 2. You have no say in what I draw you! NONE! 3. Put this in your journal. And the pic someone drew for you. Here is the picture of me by perfectkaos that precipitated this posting, and which I think captures my essence quite nicely: In unrelated news, I just got a kitty. Suggest some good names. It has no claws or canine teeth, so I'm thinking of calling it "Killer" or "T-bone" or something along those lines. Current Music: Flogging Molly - Far Away, Boys (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
6:05 pm	Without the internet at my new place, I have not been updating at all lately. I apologize for this, since I know how important reading this journal on a semi-regular basis is to all of you. These recent weeks must have seemed unbearably empty and boring without scintillating wit. There's a lot I want to write about, but for this entry, I'll just let you know about my latest project to start an underground publication. I plan to focus on current events, but also have room for fiction, poetry, art, and whatever the hell else people decide to submit to us. I've been wanting to do something like this for a long time, but only now am I finally getting the motivation to actually do it. All of you reading this should submit something. inscrutable_prolixity@hotmail.com You will receive no payment, but will have the satisfaction of a job well done, and perhaps some sense of Sticking It To The Man. Today's celebrity faceoff will take the form of a classic fisticuffs confrontation. But as an extra twist, we delve into the mists of literary history... Oscar Wilde vs. Joseph Conrad (4 Comments |Comment on this)